I was asked by someone to do an informative post about birth control, specifically my IUD, and in typical fashion, I shall enlighten you, gross you out, and dish on my experience past and present on this wonderfully terrible device. I am not scared to admit that I started my period early. I am pretty positive I was the only one who had 'become a woman' in the 3rd grade class and needless to say that day my white corduroys covered in blood originating from my vagina made me hyperventilate and legitimately made me believe I was dying.... written will and all, delegating who got my Pokemon cards and my beloved teddy bear and favorite gel pen set. I even went as far as giving said will to my teacher who had to awkwardly tell me that this atrocity was natural. Natural my ass, I. WAS. DYING. Needless to say now, I am not dead nor am I dying any time soon, short of my husband suffocating me in my sleep with my own pillow... but that is a story for another day; one you would read in a news paper with the headline, He Finally Killed The Slut. I won't be telling that story, because I would obviously be 6 feet under.
Along with the early menstruation, I also had an early OPEN sign hung on my lady bits. No, I didn't lose it in third grade, but I did before high school and that meant that I had to be on birth control, because in all honesty what 13 year old is ready to be a mother? I'm 22 and a mom, and I'm STILL not ready to be a mother, but mommy on I must. I did the pill, the nuva-ring, the shot, the arm implant and guess what, yeah you guessed it, I forgot to take the pill that young, forgot about the ring being in, and had a terrible reaction to both the shot and the implant... so the ripe young age of 16, I asked about the Mirena. At that point, it was only deemed safe and effective for those who had gone through childbirth, but they were having an awesome experiment trials for those who hadn't, and I was lucky enough to be able to get my name on that small list of recipients. I read through the info and all it took was 75% saw no periods after the first year! I was game. So they inserted it after dilating my cervix a bit which was a little uncomfortable but doable and in a few months I was blood free. Wasn't going to kill me, period NO WAY! I had saved my life. If only my eight year old self could see me now! I was going to take over the world or maybe just have worry free sex with half the senior class.
After the drug trial was over, they took the old one out and put the new one in, maybe about a year before i had gotten married. I was still golden with the no period thing and was ready to fuck. Then the next December comes around a month after getting married in 2012 and my amazing husband knocks it out of place and my doctor (I swear military doctors are the dumbest pieces of shit known to man) refused to check it because I was not eligible for a pap smear through Tricare because I was a week shy of being 21. Go figure, another few months go by because I had to wait for an appointment with the SAME doctor and comes to find out, it was lodged in my uterine wall, and they had to dilate me again to get the fucker out. They decided to put me on the pill again so I could heal, then I got pregnant with that bundle of joy? in the next room refusing to take a nap, though he is tired and fed and dry....
The bleeding after giving birth made me channel my little girl self and convince myself that it would never stop and that I was going to die... this time from slit wrists in the bathtub. Make the paramedics question if all the blood was from my wrists or from the red river that was coming out of my crotch, where's this Moses character and why wont he split the red sea and give me a break damnit?! Well finally after 2 months of terrible maxipads, ruined underwear, and stained washcloths, I had a few days of bloody freedom and I was so tired of not being protected (pull out method and condoms shouldn't have to be used if you are married) and being up at all hours of the night I told my doctor that I had already had my period when I hadn't. Ladies DO NOT DO THIS. Make sure you have your periods first, because what happened after they inserted the one I have in now, will make you angry at the world and possibly go and shoot up your local college. (Too soon?) Another 2 months have gone by, and Mt. St. Helen's has finally run out of lava. I bled and there were flash floods and I promise you it looked like someone had been murdered in my pants.
Today, I am sitting on the couch, maxi-pad free eating more cake than a 120lb girl should be able to consume and I am asking you, why don't you take the plunge? It lasts 5 years, NO PERIODS, and most importantly, NO BABIES! You can have your cake and eat it too! Sure if your man is hung like a horse he can feel it every now and again, but it won't hinder your sex life. But if you are a slut like I once was and you decide to get the IUD, then PLEASE use a condom. These wonderfully terrible devices do NOT protect you from and stds or stis that are on the circuit today, and I would hate for you to get something that would kill your sex vibes or worse, make you un-fuckable. Be safe. Be Baby Free. And Slut On.
